Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Something For The Lazy Man

If you're so lazy that you want to take care of the entire college application and admission process in half an hour, than you're in luck. Students who attend Drexel University's "Decision Days" can show up with their transcript and test scores, conduct a 30 minute interview with an admissions counselor, and be admitted to the school on the spot. Just think of all the money you'll save on postage.

"Utah Man", The University of Utah fight song, in under fire for being sexist. The song has been criticized for lyrics such as "our coeds are the fairest" and "Utah man, sir." Apparently "Utah Man" is not the Utes true fight song, but rather a beer drinking song written in 1904 by the football coach and his team. Hopefully the new efforts to change the song will succeed, but for now the school should just be thankful Rick Majerus didn't put in any new lines about Ashley Judd.

There's a new reality TV show competition for college kids. This one will take place on the CBS Early Show and the winner will get a role in a broadway musical. Meanwhile, it seems as though students at the University of Chicago really don't like art. Finally, Ohio State thought it was a good idea to spend millions of dollars on a center that examines the connection between sports and citizenship.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Doug Flutie Dropping In Dropkicking Rankings

Doug Flutie is a realy good guy. Flutie is such a good guy that he was willng to trivialize one of the two athletic feats he will always be remembered for, just for the sake of charity. Flutie recently held a drop-kicking competition to raise money for his foundation. Unfortunately for Doug, he lost the title of "best living American football dropkicker" when he was defeated by a former Dartmouth student who's only kicking experience came as a high school soccer player. Bill Belichick is going to have some sleepless nights thinking about this whole ordeal.

J.J. Redick has come out with his second installment about his life leading up the the NBA draft. Apparently J.J. and Mike Dunleavy are huge fans of "Entourage." My guess is that they like it because it's the one time in their life where they can see how a guy who's truly a celebrity and superstar in his industry lives his life. J.J. also fills us in on the one thing we've all been thinking about---Where Lee Melchionni will play next year. Acording to Redick, Arn Tellem is trying to get Lee a deal to play in Italy. I'm sure his 30% three point shooting will be welcome there.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Baseball Players Love Stuffed Animals

It seems as though the Oregon Club Baseball Team has a real thing for school spirit. This week two players were caught attempting to steal duffel bags full of Oregon memorabilia. The bags contained key chains, stuffed animals, flags, and mini Oregon Beaver helmets.

Do you think your school is wasting your student activities money?--Well you haven't seen the University of Denver. UD recently voted to spend $81,000 worth of student activities fees on wind energy. That's right, wind energy. Perhaps school administrators are a big fan of the wind planeteer in "Captain Planet."

So the Ohio State newspaper hired a security guard to write a self-defense safety column in the school newspaper. The only problem is that the security guard had been removed from teaching self-defense at the school because of a non researched teaching style. No big deal.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Oh Those Crazy Mascots

It appears as though the Norwestern Women's soccer team isn't the only the only group of Northwestern students who like nothing more than a good hazing. All the Northwestern students who portrayed mascot Willie the Wildcat were fired and put on probation for abducting new potential mascots. As bad as the Wilcat hazing might have been, I can only imagine what hazing would be like for mascots of the Worcester State Lancers.

Esteemed poet J.J. Redick has begun chronicling his journey towards the NBA draft. In this installment Redick reveals that his class rank "wasn't the best" and compares himself to an animal in a petting zoo. Coach K certainly seems to have done a great job developing Redick as a human being.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Inspirational Katie Couric

Katie Couric gave a moving, inspirational speech at this week's University of Oklahoma graduation. Couric compared herself to the graduating seniors, saying that with her move to CBS, she too would be leaving her comfort zone to do something new. Not surprisingly, Couric failed to mention that unlike most of the graduates, she has a $15 million a year job waiting for her.

In other news, a University of Chicago scavenger hunt was shut down after unruly conduct that included vomiting and urinating in public. Perhaps the school shouldn't have put "bodily fluids" on the list of items to find.

Finally, it seems as though the University of Arizona has a somewhat controversial tradition of throwing tortillas at graduation. Putting aside the fact that this might be offensive and a waste of food---why would students want to have something that can be seen as a symbol of the fast food industry at their graduation? It just doesn't seem like a good omen.

Monday, May 15, 2006

The Hard Knock Life Of An RA

Life as a residence advisor isn't always a walk in the park. This University of Oregon RA was beat up trying to stop a group of men from entering a residence hall. A Umass RA in the Lewis dormitory recently had one of his residents busted for having a drug lab in his dorm. I assume that when this RA signed up he didn't think he would have to deal with one of his residents being the next Timothy Leary

Believe it or not, manufacturing drugs might not be the worst Umass student behavior this month. A group of Umass frat boys harassed students on a "take back the night" march which aims to help fight violence against women. The frat boys yelled and threw water balloons at the students on the march. While one part of me finds their actions deplorable, I still haven't come across a situation where pelting somebody with a water balloon hasn't been funny.

Friday, May 12, 2006

It's Ok, I've Taken This Class 6 Times Before

Wesleyan University is attempting to crack down on students taking the same class multiple times. A new resolution will not allow students to take a class for credit more than four times. Apparently it's common for Wesleyan students to take a class "seven or eight" times and get an "A" every time. This whole thing seems a little unnecessary to me, and I think Wesleyan should be taking pride in the fact that many of their graduates will be proficient in ballroom dance and beginners ceramics.

Here's a heartwarming story about a courageous Dartmouth student who worked to singlehandedly bring back the chipwich. It's an uplifting tale about the undying bond between a man and his dessert.


Santa Clara University has approved a new policy that prohibits students from dating University employees. This is potentially problematic because "university employees" is a broad group that includes some students. This would prevent certain students who work at the school from dating any other students. Isn't already hard enough for the fat kid who does dishes in the cafeteria to get a date? This seems like a misguided policy that's really aimed at stopping teacher-student relationships, which as we've learned from "Animal House", are perfectly fine.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A New Plan For Peace In The Middle East

There's only one group of people with the strength, skill, and all around brilliance to bring peace and tranquility to the Middle East--The men of "Operation Hardwood II." A group of NCAA basketball coaches and personalities featuring Rick Barnes, Kelvin Sampson, Tubby Smith, and Jay Bilas are heading to the Middle East as part of a USO tour. The Nike sponsored event aims to encourage recreational services and lift the morale of the troops. I'm not quite sure Jay Bilas' analysis of the final four will be able to lift troop morale, especially considering the other kinds of entertainment soldiers sometimes get from the USO. Also, why did they have to choose a name that sounds so much like a military themed porno.

Perhaps the USO should have gotten Lute Olson to come. Olson must be doing something right because according to The Daily Wildcat his basketball team brought in the most revenue in the 2004-2005 season of any team that played in the tournament. The team brought in over $16.6 million, although school officials claim it's merely different bookkeeping methods that gave the Wilcats larger revenues than Kentucky or North Carolina.


The Arizona basketball team was much more successful than the Arizona team that competed at this years Red Bull Flugtag. The Red Bull sponsored competition features teams who attempt to fly their home made flying machines by driving them off a 30 foot cliff into water. Unfortunately for the Arizona team, the competition was in Tempe, home of Arizona State, and the team from Arizona was booed mercilessly from the start.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Trouble For Shawne Merriman

Shawne Merriman, the former Maryland star and current San Diego Chargers linebacker, is being sued for $10 million by a pair of College Park restaurant owners. The owners claim Merriman broke an agreement to pay $195,000 for partial ownership of the restaurant. Apparently Merriman expressed interest in purchasing part of the bar/restaurant, but backed out after he signed a contract. Frankly I'm not sure how that caused $10 million worth of damage, but it's probably not a good sign that his attorney is already late in filing a response to the suit.

In other Maryland news, the University created the world's largest strawberry shortcake for it open house. The 16 by 24 foot cake, which was a big hit with students, was in honor of the school's 150th anniversary. The cake is obviously part of Maryland's strategy to target the intelligent stoner demographic for their upcoming freshman classes.

University of Oklahoma students were not quite as pleased with the new large object on their campus. As the 2006 class gift, the seniors gave a giant rock. That's right, a rock. The rock is a replica of the 1906 rock, the first class gift ever given. In 1906 a bunch of students found a large gravestone and decided to engrave it and put it on campus. If the rock is as good as this artist's rendition then...well...it sure is rocklike...and gray. Not only are students complaining about the usefulness of the rock, but the rock isn't even in a part of campus where any of them go. Frankly, I think the class should have just gone a step farther and left a flaming bag of poop in front of the door to the student center.

Friday, May 05, 2006

I Didn't Know The Horse Was A Diabetic

In what appears to be a case of life immitating art, an Ohio University student was arrested for assualting a police horse after he punched the animal in the head. It appears as though the student will get off with a fine, and more importantly, he will not have to risk having Nasty Nate get his cocktail fruit as our good friend Kenny did in "Half Baked."

Want to get back at your school's rival, why not paint and orange penis and write your school's name all over its hallowed campus statue. Who pulled this little stunt off?--Why it was those clever lads from princeton. The pranks between the two schools date back more than 130 years when some revolutionary war era cannon began to continuously be stolen and then stolen back by one school or the other. This stunt just supports my belief that ivy league students know more about painting the male anatomy than anybody else.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

If I Could Say A Few Words...I'd Be A Better Public Speaker

What do you do when you can't find a commencement speaker worthy of your prestigious university? Just pick the school president. That's exactly what Villonova has done in choosing Rev. Edmund Dobbin, the current school president, as its commencement speaker. If any Villonova graduates are too upset they can join the support group that is sure to be started by University of Pennsylvania graduates. Last year the commencement speaker for the school of arts and sciences was Kofi Anan. This year it's Jodie Foster.

Despite their lackluster commencement speakers, none of these students should be as upset as the Notre Dame men's cross country team. Due to an oversight the team was left out of the 2006 yearbook. I can just imagine some day fifteen years from now where one of the runners is trying to use his college athletics to impress a girl, only to have her discover there isn't any evidence he was on the team.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

"Sweetheart" Sanchez Accused Of Sexual assault

It seems as though Mark Sanchez, the USC quarterback who was accused of sexual assault, doesn't always come off as a rapist. One USC female described him as a "sweetheart" who she feels comfortable hanging out with late at night on her front stoop. Perhaps Sanchez was just trying to help out teammates LenDale White and Winston Justice by distracting NFL scouts from their off the field problems.


In some slightly related news, Duke needed the expertise of two presidential panels to determine that their lacrosse players have behavior problems while under the influence of alcohol. Thanks to the panels, there finally is conclusive evidence that Duke lacrosse players have been "socially irresponsible when under the influence of alcohol." Duke students, this is your $40,000 of tuition at work. Meanwhile, Georgetown continues to deny recruiting Duke lacrosse players.

Monday, May 01, 2006

It's A Marathon--Let's Get Wasted!!

Rumor has it that during the Boston Marathon, Boston University students were being a little too unruly. This woman charges the students with yelling, vomiting, urinating in public, and throwing trash, while claiming that the police did nothing to stop it. I don't quite see the problem--in fact, this sounds like the behavior of many marathon runners during the race. It's entirely possible the students were just trying to show support for the runners.

Perhaps BU could improve student behavior by admitting energetic entrepreneurial students such as this kid. Unable to come up with enough tuition money to attend BU, the college of his dreams, a boy from Maine has put his college education up for auction on eBay. I'm not quite sure how successful he'll be, but it certainly seems like a better idea than working.

Meanwhile, over at Columbia University school officials have come up with another way to make athlete's lives easier. This spring they allowed athletes to register for classes before non-athletes, claiming that they need to fit classes around games and practices. As you can imagine some of the other students were not too pleased.