Sunday, August 13, 2006

Slot Machines Sent Me To College

The state of Ohio is considering a proposal that would put slot machines at nine different locations around the state. The reason the plan has so much support is that nearly a third of the profits from the machines would fund scholarships and grants for students at Ohio Universities. Thanks to the plan, degenerate gamblers all over the state of Ohio may soon be able to call themselves productive members of society. Additionally, after hearing about the slot machine proposal, a group of Ohio hookers pledged to donate a couple dollars a day to homeless people if the state legalized prostitution.

Dartmouth University brought back its chariot races for last weekend's Fieldstock event. The races were originally started in 1966 as a replacement event after the tradition of pelting newly elected student government members with food and beverages became too dangerous. In 1984 the races themselves were stopped because they were deemed unsafe. Bringing the races back seems like it's a good move and it's refreshing to know that in the last 20 years chariot safety has been improved enough to allow the event to return.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

At Last, A Bridge Champion

Ladies and Gentleman, I present the 2006 Collegiate Bridge Champions, The Michigan Wolverines. Michigan outdeuled Princeton in a final match that lasted over 12 hours. The team got ready for the tournament by practicing for three hours a day for 2 months, and their reward for winning was a $500 scholarship. The win in troubling for Michigan's football team, who now has to live up to the championship expectations set by the bridge players.

In other news...Texas A&M is refusing to move their band from behind opponents benches...the national squash champion is transferring...A University of Maryland bar broke a few rules...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Harvard's Dirty Money

Jeffery Epstein, a billionaire money manager who donated $30 million to Harvard in 2003, has been arrested for soliciting prostitutes. The police report claims that Epstein solicited sex on three separate occasions, and he could be charged with unlawful sexual activity with a minor and lewd and lascivious molestation. Epstein claims he's innocent, but it hasn't helped his cause that the money he donated was to go towards establishing the Harvard School of Prostitution.

Arizona State can no longer afford to dispose of sensitive documents such as old exams or answer keys. The school's recycling program hopes to save about $8,000 a year by leaving the disposal problem for specific departments to take care of. The school also hopes their new policy will attract the best and brightest cheaters from all across the country.

In other news...UCLA may make teacher evaluations public...Slam poetry is coming to the University of Texas...The University of Arizona satellite did not fare too well...