On The Poop Farm

The End

2006-09-19T01:26:00.000-04:00

It is my sad duty to report that the universal phenomenon that has been "On The Poop Farm" has come to an end. Me and my expertise in finding and commenting on the bizarre minutiae of everyday college life have been hired away to write a column for SI.com On Campus. I want to thank all the loyal "On The Poop Farm" readers and their friends---This blog would have been slightly different without you. Below are some of my recent columns and I hope you will continue to check SI.com On Campus every Wednesday to see the new ones. This has been one wild ride. Thanks for everything.

Sincerely,

Eric

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/sioncampus/09/12/campus.chronicles/index.html

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/sioncampus/09/04/campus.chronicles.0904/index.html

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/sioncampus/08/28/campus.chronicles/index.html

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/sioncampus/08/17/chronicles.0817/index.html

Slot Machines Sent Me To College

2006-08-13T23:51:00.000-04:00

The state of Ohio is considering a proposal that would put slot machines at nine different locations around the state. The reason the plan has so much support is that nearly a third of the profits from the machines would fund scholarships and grants for students at Ohio Universities. Thanks to the plan, degenerate gamblers all over the state of Ohio may soon be able to call themselves productive members of society. Additionally, after hearing about the slot machine proposal, a group of Ohio hookers pledged to donate a couple dollars a day to homeless people if the state legalized prostitution.

Dartmouth University brought back its chariot races for last weekend's Fieldstock event. The races were originally started in 1966 as a replacement event after the tradition of pelting newly elected student government members with food and beverages became too dangerous. In 1984 the races themselves were stopped because they were deemed unsafe. Bringing the races back seems like it's a good move and it's refreshing to know that in the last 20 years chariot safety has been improved enough to allow the event to return.

At Last, A Bridge Champion

2006-08-08T23:16:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentleman, I present the 2006 Collegiate Bridge Champions, The Michigan Wolverines. Michigan outdeuled Princeton in a final match that lasted over 12 hours. The team got ready for the tournament by practicing for three hours a day for 2 months, and their reward for winning was a $500 scholarship. The win in troubling for Michigan's football team, who now has to live up to the championship expectations set by the bridge players.

In other news...Texas A&M is refusing to move their band from behind opponents benches...the national squash champion is transferring...A University of Maryland bar broke a few rules...

Harvard's Dirty Money

2006-08-03T17:18:00.000-04:00

Jeffery Epstein, a billionaire money manager who donated $30 million to Harvard in 2003, has been arrested for soliciting prostitutes. The police report claims that Epstein solicited sex on three separate occasions, and he could be charged with unlawful sexual activity with a minor and lewd and lascivious molestation. Epstein claims he's innocent, but it hasn't helped his cause that the money he donated was to go towards establishing the Harvard School of Prostitution.

Arizona State can no longer afford to dispose of sensitive documents such as old exams or answer keys. The school's recycling program hopes to save about $8,000 a year by leaving the disposal problem for specific departments to take care of. The school also hopes their new policy will attract the best and brightest cheaters from all across the country.

In other news...UCLA may make teacher evaluations public...Slam poetry is coming to the University of Texas...The University of Arizona satellite did not fare too well...

2006-07-30T23:48:00.000-04:00

On the Poop Farm is on hiatus for a week. In the meantime, here's an article to check out.

2006-07-23T15:08:00.000-04:00

Duke is cracking down on school sponsored drinking. The school will no longer help sponsor "Tailgate", the alcohol consuming gathering that takes place in a the parking lot before football games. I understand where the school is coming from, but forcing students to watch Duke football without the aid of alcohol is just cruel. Meanwhile the Duke athletic department is working on a new "code of values."

The Virginia attorney general's office has responded to the lawsuit filed by the major newspapers of the University of Virginia and Virginia Tech. The newspapers say their first amendment rights were violated by a law that prohibits alcohol advertisements in student newspapers. The Attorney General's recent comments defend the law saying it's constitutional because it "advances a substantial government interest." I guess keeping college kids from buying alcohol ranks right between peace in the middle east and improving public education on the list of substantial government interests.

If you feel that your classrooms suffer from a lack of cigarette butts and weird stains, then Boise St. might be the place for you. The University has purchased a University Inn to be their new College of Economics and Business building. I'm assuming they wont run into the same problems as Arizona St., who have protesters trying to stop them from destroying a building because it looks cool.

In other news...Ball State has started its own record label...The University of Tennessee is teaching soap making...Utah State is hosting a fiddle contest...

What's The Tougher Job--A Mascot Or A Groupie?

2006-07-20T02:49:00.000-04:00

Think you've got what it takes to be a college mascot? It's not as easy as you think. Southeast Missouri State held mascot tryouts this week and students hoping to be the new Rowdy the Redbird were required to perform a three minute creative program in front of a panel of judges that included the band director and a theater professor.

A world famous groupie is holding a writing workshop at the University of Texas. The woman, who claims she "didn't just have sex" with the rock stars, is now an actress and a writer. Her visit doesn't quite have the prestige of a Hemmingway lecture, but it should be interesting.

NCAA Tournament Star, Ball Puncher, To Play in France Next Year

2006-07-16T23:31:00.000-04:00

Tony Skinn, the testicle punching guard who helped lead George Mason to the final four has signed a contract to play in France next year. It will be interesting to see how Skinn adapts to French culture, where athletes take out their anger by head butting opponents in the chest instead of punching them in the crotch.

Super Clean Potatoes

2006-07-13T23:42:00.000-04:00

The University of Oregon's main kitchen is washing their potatoes in a dishwasher with commercial chemical soap. Apparently for unknown reasons the University is exempt from county food safety standards that likely would prohibit the practice. A chef defended the procedure saying that things had been done that way for years and that it wasn't bad for the food or the dishwasher. He also added that this way nobody needs to do the dishes because they are actually being cleaned every time somebody eats potatoes.

Fifteen female students from Ohio State University have posed for a "Women of OSU" swimsuit calendar. The calendar is a great way to raise money for charity...except that that the calendar isn't for charity, the girls don't get paid, and the only one who benefits is Student Body University, a company that specializes in college swimsuit calendars.

Finally, the University of Memphis says it has fixed problems regarding the prostitution ring being run out of their student center. Nice work.

It's All Happening At The University Center

2006-07-07T00:48:00.000-04:00

Student centers are full of many different activities and they provide a number of different services for students. Usually, prostitution is not one of them. However, that's not the case at the University Center at the University of Memphis. I'll spare you most of the details, but apparently a prostitution ring based on conveniently placed holes in bathroom stalls is being run out of the building. Overall, the students seem mostly unconcerned, even though according to the Memphis head of public safety, there is reason to believe this has been going on for 13 years.

In other news...University of North Carolina students may need a permit to buy kegs...The new University of Arizona president had a wild first morning...There's a reason why Bonaroo isn't held at Texas A&M...

Your Tuition Dollars At Work

2006-07-05T23:34:00.000-04:00

The University of Tennessee has just spent $1 million on an organ. That right---a million dollar grand pipe organ. But don't worry; $750K came from just one family who apparently felt very devoted to improving the education of Knoxville's organ students. For those who really really like expensive organs, there's a webcam that shows the installation.

Meanwhile, the University of Oregon is going to spend $2,500 on a new bike rack. Any student can submit a design for the new rack whose purpose is to promote "environmental sustainability" and "look nice." It seems to me that the design most beneficial to the students would be a normal $200 bike rack with a $2300 pool table next to it.

Those Crazy Iowans

2006-06-30T17:42:00.000-04:00

The rivalry between Iowa and Iowa State has moved from the football field to the scenic highways of Iowa. Iowa State has placed a billboard on the highway near the Iowa campus that declares the state of Iowa a "Cyclone Sate," and shows a picture of last year's Iowa State football team after its victory over Iowa. Iowa plans on getting back at their rivals by leaving a flaming bag of poop at the entrance to their student center.

Texas A&M is once again angry over the unauthoriz e d use of their trademark "12 th ma n." This time it's Yahoo!, which has an interactive section of it's World Cup coverage designed to get fans more involved called the "12th man" Five months ago A&M disputed the use of "12th man" by the Seattle Seahawks, but an agreement was later reached that allowed the Seahawks to use the term in its own region. Yahoo! defended its use of the term saying that nobody reads their World Cup coverage so it doesn't matter.

In other news...LSU is getting a million dollar supercomputer...A Boston University dean has an anger problem...

UNC Basketball On The Cutting Edge Of Technology

2006-06-28T02:42:00.000-04:00

The University of North Carolina is changing their system of distributing basketball tickets. The tickets will now be distributed online through email and the new system eliminates the need for diehard fans to arrive hours before the game in order to get the best seats. Students like the new system, but said they would have preferred if the school had instead used the proposed system of awarding tickets to students who wrote the best anti-Duke haikus.

In other news...If you want to work at Taco Bell, don't work at the one near the University of Maryland...BYU has a folk dancing team, and they're performing at the U.S. embassy is Estonia...The Pac-10 is considering banning cheerleading stunts...College donations are on the rise...

More Bad News For ESPN

2006-06-25T23:16:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough couple of months for ESPN. First, ESPN mobile phones are outsold by David Hasselhoff CDs, and now ESPN is losing part-time "Baseball Tonight" analyst Tino Martinez to a college coaching job. Martinez will join the University of South Florida coaching staff as a volunteer assistant. Not coincidentally, the team is coached by the brother of Martinez's wife. The job should be a welcome change from fighting over donuts with John Kurk and Jeff Brantley on the "Baseball Tonight" set. As for the show, I think they wont have any trouble finding somebody new to talk about how Albert Pujols is really really good.

Some Interesting College Courses

2006-06-19T23:24:00.000-04:00

Last semester Michigan State University offered a little known course that might as well have been called "Digging up Famous People 101." It turns out that a number of MSU grad students and faculty helped police in their recent search for the body of Jimmy Hoffa. The students helped search specific areas of the 90 acre farm believed to hold the body. Nice job by the FBI getting college kids to do their manual labor for free.

The University of Alaska Anchorage has brought back its river rafting class. The class requires 30 hours on the river and counts as credit towards things such as an adventure leadership minor. I don't know how the school is going to attract premier athletes with non-academic classes this difficult.

In other news...Beck came to University of Georgia---with puppets!!...Al Gore is speaking at Syracuse at a discounted price of $75,000....Wharton will begin training the future leaders of Dubai...

The MIT Hackers Are At It Again

2006-06-14T17:25:00.000-04:00

The braniacs at MIT have once again put their minds to good use. MIT Students hacked an online poll that was to decide where Alex Doonesbury, the daughter of the main character in the comic strip Doonesbury, would attend college. Thanks to the hackers MIT won the poll with 48% of the vote. Alex will begin attending MIT next year, and she will transfer a month later because all the kids spend their time hacking online polls.

In other news...J.J. Redick has been charged with a DUI. Apparently Redick's cancelled Halo date with Adam Morrison hit him harder than I thought...Some University of Oklahoma students have received a federal grant to make a video game...The University of Oregon has it's own version of Forest Gump...

How Not To Run A Bar

2006-06-11T23:37:00.000-04:00

Here's a promotion for a bar that could have no bad consequences. Admit only women to your bar and allow them to drink for free. Then after two hours allow men to come in and let the games begin. A local University of Maryland bar is now in trouble for doing just this--apparently it didn't cross the owners mind that this could create an environment conducive to sexual assault. The owner claimed the event was to show appreciation for all its female patrons. I will now use every muscle in my brain to refrain from making a Duke lacrosse joke.

Speaking of Duke, in J.J. Redick's latest installment chronicling his journey towards the NBA draft, he reveals that he and Adam Morrison had to postpone their Halo date. But don't worry, the two ran into each other while shopping for clothes and they managed to go watch a UFC fight together. It's obviously going to take more than a rigorous pre-draft schedule to tear these two apart. They're like the Elaine and Puddy of the NBA draft.

In other news...The University of Texas has a famous rock on display...When University of Iowa students go home for the summer they have a habit of leaving their pets behind...The Kentucky basketball team has its own special interest group...BYU has its own racecar...

Oregon State Baseball Fans Love Beer

2006-06-07T23:41:00.000-04:00

Oregon State baseball fans are an interesting bunch. Apparently there are many groups of OSU baseball fans who watch the games from outside the stadium. One of these groups, which stand on ladders behind the outfield wall, say one reason they do it is so they can drink beer without breaking any rules. I haven't consulted my AA manual, but standing on a ladder for a few hours just so you can drink may be a telltale sign of an alcohol problem.

Rutgers will reportedly spend $2.5 million to put nearly 700 video cameras in student housing buildings. Frankly I think this is a great idea that will improve efficiency. Now instead of having to wait for pictures of illicit activities to appear on thefacebook or other websites, the administration will have them right away.

In other news...Tony Blair's son is going to Yale...the Duke lacrosse team was reinstated.

Oh Those Crazy Hawkeyes

2006-06-04T23:37:00.000-04:00

The Iowa baseball team has been cleared of hazing. The school found that there was no "mandatory participation" in recent photos that surfaced on the internet which showed team members naked except for "hats over their privates." The Iowa baseball team just likes to have a good time, that's all.

Meanwhile the Duke lacrosse team just can't stay out of trouble. A senior on the team has been charged with driving while impaired, misdemeanor possesion of marijuana, misdemeanor possesion of drug paraphernalia, and running a red light. The player was immedietely suspended from the team, but the team is still currently suspended---so the the new philosophical quandry is can you suspend somebody who is already suspended?

A bill is under consideration that would require all University of North Carolina schools to conduct extensive criminal background checks on all applicants. Of course as in most other situations, the background checks would not have any effect on highly touted athletic recruits.

In other news...Northeastern has a new president, and it's not Al Gore...Dell really likes the University of Texas...Be careful eating at restaurants near Penn...Texas A&M is getting funding for a new nuclear terrorism prevention program...Steve Spurrier is unhappy with "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party."

J.J. Redick Really Loves Utah

2006-06-01T18:06:00.000-04:00

In his latest installment chronicling his journey towards the NBA draft, J.J. Redick reveals that he's interested in playing for the Jazz. This would indicate that Redick is cut from a different mold than former Duke player and frat house aficionado Reggie Love. Frankly, it seems like a win-win situation for both sides. Redick wont be the whitest guy on his new team, and the Jazz get a decent player despite using their pick on the token white guy. Redick also reveals that team interviews involve questions such as "What is 1-and-1?" and that he made "some stuff up" when he was asked to write a self description. All he needs is a posse and he just might make it in the NBA.

The University of Oregon is considering arming their campus police with tasrs. The police need tazers because according to one officer, their jobs now consist of "contacting bad guys." The tazers surely would have come in handy in helping to control this man at USC. After being seen by police urinating in public, the man fled and barridcaded himself in a raquetball court with a loaded gun. Strangely, nobody on the USC football team was involved with this firearm related incident. For more stories like these, here is Dartmouth's "best of" police blotter.

Something For The Lazy Man

2006-05-30T16:34:00.000-04:00

If you're so lazy that you want to take care of the entire college application and admission process in half an hour, than you're in luck. Students who attend Drexel University's "Decision Days" can show up with their transcript and test scores, conduct a 30 minute interview with an admissions counselor, and be admitted to the school on the spot. Just think of all the money you'll save on postage.

"Utah Man", The University of Utah fight song, in under fire for being sexist. The song has been criticized for lyrics such as "our coeds are the fairest" and "Utah man, sir." Apparently "Utah Man" is not the Utes true fight song, but rather a beer drinking song written in 1904 by the football coach and his team. Hopefully the new efforts to change the song will succeed, but for now the school should just be thankful Rick Majerus didn't put in any new lines about Ashley Judd.

There's a new reality TV show competition for college kids. This one will take place on the CBS Early Show and the winner will get a role in a broadway musical. Meanwhile, it seems as though students at the University of Chicago really don't like art. Finally, Ohio State thought it was a good idea to spend millions of dollars on a center that examines the connection between sports and citizenship.

Doug Flutie Dropping In Dropkicking Rankings

2006-05-26T00:33:00.000-04:00

Doug Flutie is a realy good guy. Flutie is such a good guy that he was willng to trivialize one of the two athletic feats he will always be remembered for, just for the sake of charity. Flutie recently held a drop-kicking competition to raise money for his foundation. Unfortunately for Doug, he lost the title of "best living American football dropkicker" when he was defeated by a former Dartmouth student who's only kicking experience came as a high school soccer player. Bill Belichick is going to have some sleepless nights thinking about this whole ordeal.

J.J. Redick has come out with his second installment about his life leading up the the NBA draft. Apparently J.J. and Mike Dunleavy are huge fans of "Entourage." My guess is that they like it because it's the one time in their life where they can see how a guy who's truly a celebrity and superstar in his industry lives his life. J.J. also fills us in on the one thing we've all been thinking about---Where Lee Melchionni will play next year. Acording to Redick, Arn Tellem is trying to get Lee a deal to play in Italy. I'm sure his 30% three point shooting will be welcome there.

Baseball Players Love Stuffed Animals

2006-05-23T21:08:00.000-04:00

It seems as though the Oregon Club Baseball Team has a real thing for school spirit. This week two players were caught attempting to steal duffel bags full of Oregon memorabilia. The bags contained key chains, stuffed animals, flags, and mini Oregon Beaver helmets.

Do you think your school is wasting your student activities money?--Well you haven't seen the University of Denver. UD recently voted to spend $81,000 worth of student activities fees on wind energy. That's right, wind energy. Perhaps school administrators are a big fan of the wind planeteer in "Captain Planet."

So the Ohio State newspaper hired a security guard to write a self-defense safety column in the school newspaper. The only problem is that the security guard had been removed from teaching self-defense at the school because of a non researched teaching style. No big deal.

Oh Those Crazy Mascots

2006-05-21T19:32:00.000-04:00

It appears as though the Norwestern Women's soccer team isn't the only the only group of Northwestern students who like nothing more than a good hazing. All the Northwestern students who portrayed mascot Willie the Wildcat were fired and put on probation for abducting new potential mascots. As bad as the Wilcat hazing might have been, I can only imagine what hazing would be like for mascots of the Worcester State Lancers.

Esteemed poet J.J. Redick has begun chronicling his journey towards the NBA draft. In this installment Redick reveals that his class rank "wasn't the best" and compares himself to an animal in a petting zoo. Coach K certainly seems to have done a great job developing Redick as a human being.

The Inspirational Katie Couric

2006-05-18T19:10:00.000-04:00

Katie Couric gave a moving, inspirational speech at this week's University of Oklahoma graduation. Couric compared herself to the graduating seniors, saying that with her move to CBS, she too would be leaving her comfort zone to do something new. Not surprisingly, Couric failed to mention that unlike most of the graduates, she has a $15 million a year job waiting for her.

In other news, a University of Chicago scavenger hunt was shut down after unruly conduct that included vomiting and urinating in public. Perhaps the school shouldn't have put "bodily fluids" on the list of items to find.

Finally, it seems as though the University of Arizona has a somewhat controversial tradition of throwing tortillas at graduation. Putting aside the fact that this might be offensive and a waste of food---why would students want to have something that can be seen as a symbol of the fast food industry at their graduation? It just doesn't seem like a good omen.